My mother did a fantastic job of raising me to feel guilty about everything. When I was little it didn't matter how hard I tried, I always managed to feel guilty about everything that went wrong in my entire family's life. And I haven't outgrown that - try as I might. I always feel that everything negative that happens is somehow my fault.
Now we have Ole's injury - he was doing me a favor by carrying a basket of newspaper down the steps into the garage to put them into my car so I could haul them to the recycling place. He missed the last step, stepped on my garden shoe that was on the garage floor at the bottom of the step, turned his ankle and down he went.
I felt awful right then and there. If I hadn't left that garden clog there none of this would have happened. If he had decided to go to the gym that morning instead of staying home to help me out none of this would have happened. If I hadn't been insistant about getting all the old newspapers out of the house that morning none of this would have happened.
When we were finally in the car he called the ER to find out if he should go to the Emergency Room or the Walk-in Clinic. I guess it didn't help my emotional situation when he explained to the nurse that his wife had set a booby trip for him and caught him. Like I left my shoe there on purpose. I know it's a bad habit - but I truly didn't leave it there on purpose. And the thing is - these medical people take all of this stuff seriously - it's not a joke to them.
I've tried to look at the funny side of things over the last few days when people have asked him what happened. I've tried to make jokes and made statements like "After 43 years of marriage I couldn't take it anymore and just kicked him in the ankle." But in my heart I feel so bad that he's hurt and it was my fault. I have very mixed feelings about the entire issue.
It's that good ole Norwegian Lutheran upbringing - no matter what it is, it's all your fault.
Now I know you're all going to write me and tell me that it's not my fault and that I shouldn't feel guilty. I just hope that I can absorb all those good words and quit feeling so guilty. I feel so badly because Ole doesn't do well with being inactive, and so as a result he gets kind of on the crabby side. And of course all you wives know how that goes - you all know which direction that frustration is vented. I hope I can make it through the next couple of months and keep my mental capacities normal.